I started to write a piece a few days ago after I got out of Urgent Care because I’d been dizzy again and my head was pounding. I’d been taking hit after hit from life. I spent a month being injured this autumn, several weeks being ill in November, I had to race out of my apartment (and move into my sister’s place) because it’d been making me sick, and a couple days before we found out there was mold in the apartment. Holy low points.
I had my 100k coming up and I didn’t know if I would be able to start, let alone finish. Just figuring out how to manage the anxiety and decide that this was just the ups and downs of life that we are assured was a lot of work (much meditation and yoga). I was proud of not exploding.
Being human and being hurt are the same damn thing.
-The Kominsky Method-
I considered dropping and not even bothering to drive up there – or driving up and just volunteering – but I figured I might as well just try because at least it’s a beautiful course and I’d get to be around the San Joaquin Running community for a bit. And I took the day off so I might as well take the mini trip.
It’s amazing how strong the human spirit is. It’s astonishing how capable we are, even in the face of doubt and uncertainty. It’s beautiful to see what we can accomplish when we stop thinking and just start doing.
On Friday morning, I said, “Let’s just do this and see what happens.” I listened to my playlist, got myself pumped up on the ride to Friant, gave myself multiple pep talks, organized my gear, and went to sleep.
I woke up feeling curious and unsure what would really go down but energetic and excited. An hour later, when I got out there, FLOW quickly took over.
Flow is that feeling when you’re just doing the thing you’re doing and nothing else matters. Tunnel vision focus. I forgot I was running. I was just enjoying myself, being free, breathing fresh air, jumping over recently downed trees, experiencing a new world, showing the world love. Even the low points had unbreakable elements of “carry on” and focus. Incredible.
I’m still trying to manage the adrenaline, the high, of the experience, of my finish. But I’ve been floating for a few days and I hope I get a few more. Just wanted to get some of these feelings out of the way.
San Joaquin River Trail 100k – 11:47.37, 1st female, 8th overall, Course record